"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
