EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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