so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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