I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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