so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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