Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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