you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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