who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
