it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
where are you?
Hypothermia
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
