At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize