I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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