Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
