She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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