If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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