Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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