Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
