After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
