there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize