Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
