so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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