I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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