im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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