I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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