I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
