highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My breasts were aching with rage.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
