Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
