I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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