what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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