No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I could make wine with my vomit
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
