if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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