Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
