Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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