No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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