some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize