he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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