Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
