life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Text me some of your sweat
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
