I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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