I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
