I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
