WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
