***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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