His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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