bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
