you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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