You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
