I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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