My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
