she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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