hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
