I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize