If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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