I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
