Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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