and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Sober January is a disaster.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
