are you still at the devil's house?
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
