when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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