You're earring is so big in my mouth
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Are my feet made of real feet?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
