She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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