There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize