she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
