I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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