Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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