I'm gonna have a badass scar
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
