I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
