dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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