Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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