Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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