watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize