I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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